01.01.09
Posted in Journal at 8:50 am by kat
So 2009 is upon is. I ran around and took pictures at local events all night. I talked to friends. I listened to it all. I thought about this past year then I wondered, “Why do so many people think today will change everything, I mean it is just another 24 hour period?”
I was asked by her sister to take down Julie’s myspace page today. I did, but saved everything. Emails from friends and so much more. Things she never got to read while she was in the hospital the last month. I am putting it all in a book - with her photo on the front - her blogs, her messages, her life. At least what it was the last year or so.
Julie never got to see the new year. I miss her a lot. And yet it made me think of the line I first heard on “House” - “Dying is easy, living is hard.”
He said that to Wilson after Amber died. I thought about it then and realized last night just how true it is. So many times I wanted to give up myself - to just stop all the meds and treatments. It would be so easy to just let go. I know that fighting is hard. I know it from myself and from the fight that this beautiful woman had to go through.
All around the world, it is 2009. All around the world people are hoping for changes in all they do - for the better. And yet wars continue to rage on. More people are being killed over land or religion or whatever. I just don’t understand sometimes and I realize that this saying fits here too. It is so easy for enemies to simply kill each other over their squabbles - no matter have real or imagined they may be. But actually trying to work through them - to find peace between enemies, to live side by side - *THAT* is hard!
Too often the human race takes the easy way out. All throughout history we have opted to make it easier. Who wouldn’t - I mean it is in our nature to do things the easy way when presented with a problem, right? I am just as guilty and perhaps more so in my own life. I work in computers by day and I have done a lot to make my job easier by automating all the things that would be repetitive or mundane. Would you blame me?
In the Mideast they continue to kill each other. People all over, from Iraq and Afghanistan to Pakistan and India and now Israel and Hamas and who knows where else. I mean I can’t keep track of it all.
Death - killing each other is so much easier than trying to work out the problems. It is quick and painless. Painless for the person doing the killing that is. I mean think about it - the people in the airplanes dropping the bombs or launching the missiles and rockets - they go home for dinner when they are done. Do they see what they have caused? And yet I don’t blame them - I can’t. I can’t blame anyone, since we all simply choose the easy way out.
Julie fought for her life in so many ways. She refused to be sick. She refused to accept what the doctors told her. She wanted to live. It was hard. I saw her. I saw her each month - changing in front of me. From someone I once layed next to and said “I love you,” to a shell of a person holding on. In the end, it was easier for her to leave. It was what she wanted. To end the pain. And yet, we, as the ones living around her, still feel it - still try to understand what God would take her from us. It is not easy.
2009 is here. It is supposed to bring change - for the better. It is supposed to bring hope from despair, happiness from sorrow and good fortune from sadness and poverty. But as a race, we will continue to choose the “easy” way out. We will bomb and kill and destroy - all in the name of land or god or something that means so little when you compare it to the lives lost.
My hope for this race - OUR race - the Human race - is to stop taking the easy way out. When you stop and think about it - it really is not that easy after all.
I miss you Jewels - with all my heart and soul - but I will not take the easy way out - just like you, I will fight. And just like you, I hope and pray I can make a difference in this world.
Peace, love and light
Kat
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12.15.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
It is cold today - bitter cold. I was talking to my parents in California yesterday and it was odd since it was actually warmer here in Chicago than in the Bay Area. Mother nature is once again playing with us homosapiens - trying to make us go crazy perhaps.
I was flying home from California last week at this time - thinking about someone beautiful that was not with us. making new friends on a plane and yet being sad at the same time. Time is a strange thing, as it seems to never end - it moves quickly when we wish to just take a moment - sometimes much too quickly - and yet it drags on and on when we want to forget.
I will never forget the joy that Jewels brought into my life. How can you when you snort soda out your nose. But I will forget the pain.
Today I am sitting in a warm home - with a fire going - ok so it is a fake fire with those sterno type flames in my fake fireplace, but it looks real. 
I am working on so many things. Photos, work, programming, and so much more. The life of a Gemini is a simple one - to multitask is to LIVE! That is what we do. And yet in all that I have been doing, I hear her voice, I see her face, I feel her touch.
Last night I played with David Kav at Uncommon Ground. We have played 5 or 6 shows together. I like him. He makes me laugh and he is a wonderful performer. I still have not found his “off” button - he seems to have an endless supply of energy, and it shows in his music and his life. I still thinks he injects caffeine directly into his veins or something though. Anyway, we played some wonderful music together. I sat with friends before. I ate, laughed and shared. And yet from moment to monent I was not sure if I was going to cry, laugh or just sit and say nothing. It is strange how time just plays games with you - with your mind the way it does.
I will get back to work now. I have little time to do a lot. Later tonight I will go to the other Uncommon Ground and listen to the performers of the Open Mic. Then I will return home late, and before I know it, it will be 4am again - my wakeup time.
Time moves quickly in my life and yet right now, it is simply not moving quickly enough.
Peace, love and light
Kat
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12.11.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
So I have been back in Chicago since Monday. It was a long journey to get from LA to Chicago. No, Chicago had not moved and they did not put me in a propeller driven airplane that made it longer than usual, and surprisingly, even the weather did not delay me. No, it was long because there was much to think about as I sat in the back of the plane, chatting with flight crew and doing readings for them as we flew.
I have always done readings for many of the crew members. I have flown for most of my life and I am a million miler on 2 airlines. I guess that is more miles than most people should have to fly. It is not always fun. But spending time making new friends and sharing my gift with them is something that can be enlightening.
As I did readings for Carol and Amber something came up of a lost love for Amber. It turns out she is lesbian as well and shared with me as I asked her about this person that had departed her life about 4 months ago - it was her ex, who passed from cancer. Not a reading I really wanted to do as I had just been to the funeral. But it was strong, and I heard the name of her ex, although I mispronounced it (a greek name) and we laughed. I shared with both of them of what I was returning from. I cried. I have been crying a lot this past week.
Tuesday morning when I woke up at 4am - my usual time, I went to shower. My kitties usually ignore me as they are much too comfy on the big fluffy comforter to be bothered with getting up at that hour. But this morning would be different. As I stepped out of the shower there was a fuzzy white face greeting me. Willow was sitting on the rug - looking up at me and meowing. I had to push her out of the way so I could get out and dry off. But then she just laid out on the carpet, stretched out and tried to wrap around my feet.. Have you ever tried to dry yourself off while there is a cat wrapped around your feet - it is not very easy.
Her fuzzy white paws seemed to just reach out as I dried my hair and put on my makeup. She was not going anywhere. Even if I moved my feet and tried to get away. She just snuggled up and laid there. Then, even stranger, Brie, my other kitty showed up in the doorway. Was she sick? What was wrong? She never does this! She sat in the doorway and laid down, stretching her feet out, but still leaving and escape route. She is still a bit skiddish and tends to run if you move unexpectedly. Her tail curled around her and she was very comfortable.
Why?
This scene has been replayed each morning this week - even today. Hmm, a tivo of kitties! Do they sense something? Something within me? I guess they do. I know I am not myself. I am trying, but I am all over the map with emotions this week. I try to do my music - and nothing comes out. I try to be my normal crazy self and find myself saying stupid things (more stupid than normal - even for me) or worse, just rambling about nothing. I was at the doctors for 2.5 hours yesterday and realized I had told my life story to a new doctor. And she listened?! It is all so strange.
I want to be myself again. Or do I? I think I do. I am going to a concert Saturday to see Linda Eder - I love her and wish she was a lesbian.. We would make a great couple. See - I am trying to be myself again. And yet…
I have so much to do - events to plan and get organized - I have not even begun my Christmas shopping. My own illness is causing so many other side-illnesses that for the first time it is slowing me down. So much is going on and I want to just yell - STOP! My kitties won’t let me. Their little furry paws wrapped around me saying, “It is OK - we understand.”
I miss Julie. I miss her with all my heart and soul. Everyone keeps trying to help me. They try to say things - to make me feel better. They hug me, or hold me, and yet I don’t know what to do - how to react. I don’t know what to say. I wish I did.
As I left my condo this morning, heading off to work, I unwrapped my kitty from my feet - I hugged her and kissed her on the top of her head and I said “Thank you.. if you only knew.”
I gave them both their favorite treats as I left. The ignored me after that as they inhaled them (do they really taste them?) I walked out into the dark morning - only 5:15am. As I drove out on to the expressway I saw the most beautiful full moon - orange and dull, not brilliant white like you normally see. Hanging on the horizon almost setting.. It hung there - staring at me as I drove to work - looking and staring silently. I was lost in my thoughts and have been for days.
Thank you to all my friends - to everyone who has tried to help. I am sorry if I don’t know what to say or how to respond. But maybe, if I were to say, “as I look at the fuzzy white feet entangled around me these past few mornings, I think of you - my friends - and know you are there for me and if I could, I would give you all your favorite treats as well,” would that let you know how much you all mean to me…
with love,
Kat
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12.07.08
Posted in Journal at 7:00 pm by kat
I went to a funeral today. I hate funerals. I have never been able to deal with death. Perhaps I am weak. Perhaps I need to find a counselor that could help. When you start your adult life watching your class valedictorian - a close friend and band member - put a gun in his mouth, or watch friends you grew up with die because they drove high, or perhaps even one of the most difficult - someone I went to college with was killed on 9/11 and they never found her body (she died at the Pentagon) it makes you wonder.
In my life, I have lost track of the people that were close to me who died. No one should ever have to lose track. No one should have so many people die that you can’t count. Not in 25 years - not in 10 years - it should not happen.
Recently, a dear friend lost her mother. She lost her to the same thing I have - more advanced. She fought so hard. At the funeral they talked about how you never saw her sick. Her friends, her family, she never let people see her sick. She would get up early to sneak out to chemo so her husband would not see her. Her makeup flawless, her outfit immaculate - it all changes when people see you sick. They think of you as being sick - as not being the person they once knew.
I saw Julie sick. I was one of very few people who did. Myself, her sister and mother and father. We were the only ones. She hated it. She denied it. She always refused to be sick. I loved her. This made her stronger than anyone I had ever met. I try to fight the cancer I have. I don’t want people to see me sick - I do all that I can to hide it. Julie saw me sick. I threw up in her room once - just after a treatment I had. We both ended up laughing so hard - but we started out crying. She started to make fun of me, in the loving way she could. She laughed and said she was going to see if I had been cheating and eating meat - I am vegetarian. Within 5 minutes I was laughing with her. I don’t know how she did it. I was so embarrassed that I had let her see this, and yet she turned it around.
She was an amazing woman. When she told of the story of her time in Atlanta, I sat in amazement. Almost 6 years ago she lived in ATL and had a beautiful girlfriend. They broke up. It destroyed her. After 3 months, she looked around the country and decided she would leave Atlanta for Chicago. Her lease was up. She packed everything, and moved to Chicago. She did not have a job when she moved. She had a place to live, but no job. In 18 days she had a new job. Nothing would stop her. She was amazing.
Her funeral was simple - close friends and family. People from her high school that I had never met. She grw up in Santa Monica. But honestly, everyone felt like family. But what were we doing there?
I have always believed that the physical body is just a shell to hold a soul. When you pass, the body is like an egg shell - when you crack it and the insides fall out, the shell is empty and meaningless. We stood around - mostly in silence. Tears everywhere, but not knowing what to say. I never knoew what to say. Everything you can say to the family has been said in their own minds a million times - “why?”
I spent 2 days with her mother and father and sister. They liked me. I would come out monthly and in a previous blog I talked about how I tried to help all I could with her medical bills. It was meaningless - I knew I could never make a difference in the skyrocketing bills. And yet, we all knew - Julie knew - it was for nothing. There was no cure for this horrible condition that she faced. What was the point? We broke up because neither of us believed the other would live long enough to have a meaningful relationship. What is the point of fighting when you knew the outcome?
I sit here and write this. I miss her. There is no meaning.
I remember my cell phone bill from last month - even though I have unlimited minutes, I remember seeing how many were for calling her. Whenever I wanted to give up - I called her. Whenever I hurt, I called her. With the time change to California we could talk any time I needed her. I felt so good each time I talked to her. The strength within her would radiate to all those around her. Even over a cell phone.
Julie was in hospice and then moved to ICU for the last week of her much too short life. And yet this woman made sure she voted on Nov 4th. Not early or absentee, she wanted to be there - on election day. I remember how she told me how much it meant to her. Voting against Prop 8, and to elect our first ever black President. She wanted to be a part of history. This was a woman that no one could keep down. I called her on election night, right after I spoke to my mother. We were both crying. It was something that neither of us could believe. After 8 years of a horrible president - we had hope. She told me how she would be here to see Barack sworn in on Jan 20th. She was not going to miss it and wanted me to time my monthly visit to be with her. I told her I would. I never once thought she would not be here.
I said it before, but I don’t handle death well. I don’t think I ever will. I miss her and sitting in a room - knowing her shell was in the box in front of me made it harder. I sat with her family.
Julie only had 3 partners in her life and I was one. I never could understand what she saw in me. I knew what I saw in her. She was a goddess - not in the sense of beauty, but more like Wonder Woman - the power AND beauty that she held. Each time we were together I would always ask her “why?” She could do so much better. Besides, I was sick, I knew it. I could not give her a lifetime of happiness that she could give someone else. And then a few months later, she told me she was sick and she would be moving home. She wanted me to understand that she could not offer me what I could give her and thought that I should move on. I could not believe this. What was going on? Why was it that we both said the same thing to each other only a few months apart? I was supposed to understand because I said the same thing to her only a few months earlier. None of it made any sense then and it makes no sense now.
She is gone - I am still here. Why? She had more love in her pinky than I have in my whole body. I don’t understand it all. None of it makes any sense any more. Why her? The question so many people ask - “Why do good people have to die?” They say it is God’s plan. Sorry - I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that God took her for some reason that we simply don’t understand. I never will. I will never understand why she had this dealt to her. I will never understand why Ed put a gun in his mouth. I will never understand why friends took drugs, only to die when they were high. I will never understand why people died on 9/11 or during WWII or all the horrible wars before and after. None of it makes any sense - it doesn’t now and it won’t in a week or a month or a year.
I will fly home tomorrow. I will always carry part of Jewels within me. I loved her. I still do. She made me laugh and no one could ever make me laugh so hard that soda came out my nose. Only she could. I will meditate tonight, as I did the night before and the night before that. I
This all just sucks. Life - friends and family and lovers who leave us. I miss you so much Jewels. I want you back. I want you here - with me, in Chicago.. Snuggling on the couch - you sneezing because Willow made you. Please come back.. Please let me hold you - and kiss you. Please let me tell you how much I love you.
I will be with you soon… I promise.
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12.05.08
Posted in Journal at 8:00 am by kat
In the midst of all the turmoil in this world - the anger, hatred, wars, financial mess, religious craziness, us vs them mentality and so much more, in a brief moment we are reminded of what truly matters in life.
It has nothing to do with possessions or wealth or cars or houses or any of that. I am sure everyone knows this, but sometimes, it is so easy to forget.
Last night a beautiful person - a loving daughter, a sister like no other, a treasured friend - a true angel on this earth, left us. 
I don’t even know what I am writing right now. I am rambling. I am sitting here - numb to it all. I wanted to take her place. I wanted to be with her one more time. I wanted to kiss her and tell her how much I loved her. I was selfish - I wanted her to be with me. I wanted to share our lives together. I wanted to give her my life. I wanted to make her smile - one more time - to laugh - to have soda come out our noses together. I wanted to fall asleep in her arms and with her head on my shoulder. I wanted to play a song for her - to listen to her smile - yes, you could hear it - it was so beautiful.
Julie loved rainbows - her room was covered in them. She always made them pale in comparison to her beauty. She lit up a room. She always made me smile. We dated for a few months and yet we both said it was illness that caused us to not date - but was it simply fear? Fear that neither of us could bear the thought of losing the other if we were together, that somehow just being friends would make it easier? But did it?
I don’t deal well with death. I never have. I don’t want to think of her as dying, but simply having passed on to a more beautiful place where she will feel no more pain. We used to laugh about who was on more pain meds - who had more crap in their body that should not be there. It made us both realize that we might someday beat these illnesses. Each day we spoke — and each day I wanted to take all her pain - all her illness and draw it in to me. I have lived my life and then some. She was only 31. She deserved more - so much more.
I am alone. I miss her. I have missed her for so many months since she moved away to be with her family. She urged me to continue doing what I do here in Chicago. Sometimes it all seems so meaningless. Without someone to share it - without her laughing (and sometimes crying) with me.
We met many years ago and yet I never knew it. I met her in Atlanta, or more correctly, she met me when I helped run a magazine for the lesbian community. I took everyone’s pictures - just like I do here. She met me several times and yet I just filed her away with so many people who are so out of my league, well, she was a goddess and I was simply a mortal. She moved away - from Atlanta to Chicago and yet I never even knew. She moved here 2 years before I ever even thought of Chicago. She left a broken relationship and started over - with nothing. I admired her and yet I did not know her. A few years later, I would find myself moving to chitown, with an ex that is long gone from my life. Then I met Jewels again - at a Starbucks in Andersonville. I was reading my own cards that day and she came over and said hi and asked if I was from Atlanta. She told me she knew me from the magazine there. I was shocked - this woman who was so incredibly beautiful even knew anything about me. She sat down and I read her Tarot for her. We become friends that day. My soul was touched - by someone so beautiful inside and out, that I could not put it into words.
We shared many more lattes and soon, well we kissed. We dated for a few months and then she told me what the doctors said - lymphoma. And yet she smiled as she said it. She said she would beat it. The same as I am winning over Cancer. I believed her and yet something inside - the part of me that is the “spiritual intuitive” - which I sometimes hate - felt this was not true.
I don’t know how to share what a wonderful person she was. I am still rambling in this blog - still wondering what to say or do about all of this. My hands shake as I type - my eyes are filled with tears but I want everyone - I want the world to know that we have lost someone so incredible…
I will go say goodbye to her. I don’t know how. But I think she already said it to me. For when we were last sitting together - and I was getting ready to leave and fly home to Chicago, there was a look in her eye that I simply can not explain. When I kissed her goodbye, there was a feeling. Now I think I understand the look an the feeling - she had said goodbye to me. She knew.
Life is precious. You have heard it a million times in person, in the movies, and more. But when someone so special leaves you, you realize what truly matters.
I don’t know what will happen to me in the coming months - I don’t know what to do anymore about my own fight. She gave me so much strength and right now, I feel so weak - so completely spent, but I won’t give up. I can’t. She wanted me to continue. I wished we could have continued together. I wish I knew what to say when I see her mother, her father and her sister. I wish I had said more when we were together last.
I wish I could hold her.. Just one more time..
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11.07.08
Posted in Journal at 7:32 pm by kat
We have a new president. It is an amazing thing. I drank too much champagne. I argued with my brother who voted for McCain. I am sad the Prop 8 passed. I can’t believe that the state of Arkansas has outlawed even straight couples that are not married from adopting or fostering children. My feelings are all over the place.
How do we go from Euphoria one moment to feeling so incredibly sad the next? I was hurt today. By a simple act of what I think of as betrayal. Maybe that is a harsh word- maybe it is simply that I was lied to. I don’t know. I know I hurt. I know it hurts so much because this was someone I truly cared for. This was someone I admired more than just about anyone I have met in the last 5 years.
Was it deliberate? Probably not. But what I don’t understand is why that does not change the level of hurt. I guess if someone does something without thinking and it hurts, or if they do it with a little bit of thought, it still hurts and does it make a difference if they do it with a lot of thought? I don’t think so. If I found out it was planned all along, it would make no difference.
I walked around for over an hour - in the cold wind - hoping it might take away the pain. Hoping that what happened would be something that was, well, it was a bad dream. The fact that I am writing this says that it is real.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. The more I put myself out there, the more I get hurt. And yet I continue to do it. We all do it, don’t we? We are hurt in a relationship break up - we say “never again” and a few months later, we do it again. How many times do we have to feel pain before we stop doing it? If we continued to hit ourselves in the head with a hammer, would we not stop at some point and realize that was a bad thing? Why then, do we let our emotions and our feelings out of the locked box they have been in so long, just to be stepped on again?
I won’t do it again. Yeah right. But for now, I will simply put what is left of my feelings back in the box and lock it. Perhaps it will be open again someday. We never seem to learn when it comes to relationships, friends and people we care about. And sadly, it is not always about a love relationship, because friends can hurt you just as deeply. In same cases, in fact, the hurt they bring is even deeper than a lost love. We think our friends wll never hurt us. We are wrong.
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10.27.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
I just realized that almost all of my blogs have a category of “life” but honestly, what else do we blog about?
I went to Michigan this weekend to shoot a wedding of two beautiful women. The event was incredible and normally I do not blog about my weddings, but this is different. The wedding was unique in that it was hearing and deaf. For most of the ceremony it was silent - and signed. I have to admit, I was almost distracted at why I was there - to capture their event - because I was so intrigued by the movement and beauty of the silence. For those who did not sign, spoken interpretation was provided by way of radio headsets and a person who was softly interpreting the sign. I chose not to wear one of these headsets as I thought it would distract me. At most weddings, I tend to tune out since I am focused on “visualization” of the event.
I met the two lovely ladies before the event, during the rehearsal and many of the guests as well. As a special moment, I was actually given my name by the bride who was deaf. I was told this is culture - that a hearing person can not give you your signed name, even if they know sign. She signed “Kat” to me, with a “K” of course and it was simple, but very special to me. She also told me I am very easy to lip read. I tried to be aware of this through out the two day event as I was around many who were deaf and some who were hearing. I was like a school girl in a way - excited and nervous about shooting this event and hoping I would be able to convey the beauty as they had hoped.
Through out the entire 2 days, I was constantly reminded of the challenges we all face. I deal with “C” - and continue to face certain challenges it poses. But I wondered what it must like to be faced with a challenge at child hood, such as having no hearing? The sister of one bride spoke during the ceremony (one of few) and it was signed of course. She spoke of when she was a child and her “older” sister and she were growing up (see, no matter what, sisters are sisters - the younger always reminding the older who is OLDER! I know I do it to my sister all the time.) But anyway, she spoke of how when she was younger, she took playdoh and made it into a “hearing aide” and asked her parents when she would get hers. I almost cried. I held back.
Do we really understand what life is all about? The challenges we all face, day to day and in our lifetimes. Each of us in unique situations that in so many ways, others can not understand.
I can not know what it is like to grow up without my hearing - I have it. I can only wonder the challenges she faced. And yet the beauty of this woman and her partner, beamed as bright as any couple. The hearing partner was as beautiful and unique as the other. They truly loved each other and faced life with, at least on the surface, as I could see - no fears, doubts or hesitation. I was honored to be a part of this wonderful event.
We made it through the ceremony and the rest of the night. The formals would be shot the next day with the children and the dogs (yes, dogs - I mean they are lesbians - and yes the dogs were in the wedding - ring bearers!) They dressed again in their wedding outfits - a dress for one and a beautiful suit on the other. The children put on tuxes and a dress again. The dogs wore the wreaths of flowers. it seemed like it was just a very long wedding from the night before. We went to the beach - it was windy - but beautiful. I watched and shot. They all played - the dogs in the water, the kids in the sand. The two brides sat quietly as I posed them for their formals. It was easy as I asked them, “You just got married - remember the emotion from last night - feel it in each other and forget I am here. I will try to capture it”
They showed me a love that two people who truly know the journey through life and love can show. It was something I captured in the camera as best I could. They were stunning - sharing their love. And as a side note, to all those who oppose gay marriage, just go to a wedding sometime - look at the love that comes from two people - regardless of the sex - and tell me it is any different than the love of heterosexual couples!
I don’t know where I am going with this post. I guess I just wonder why relationships themselves have so many challenges. Why is life what it is with challenges for some that are so different? Or perhaps it is simply amazement of the love that these two people found..
As I prepared to leave, they told me they were so happy I was their photographer. My energy showed through and they know the photos will show them how I viewed the beauty of it all. They were touched by my spirit. Again, one bride reminded me of my signed name. I smiled and thanked her with a hug - a deaf hug as I was told - which is special and intense. The 3 of us hugged and almost cried - again. I only hope our paths will cross again some day. To see how their lives continue to grow in the love they share.
They have their challenges - we all do. But change is the one constant in the universe that I think allows us to over come any and all challenges. Just as they had to adapt and learn how to exist in this hearing world, we all must face our “deafness” in our own ways. Mine is called cancer. Yours may be called something else. All I know is that I have changed because of it. For the better. And I know I learned a lot about love this weekend. I know I will carry this experience with me for the rest of my life.
And finally, to the happy couple - I wish you both long life, happiness and most of all, thank you for touching my life with the love that you share..
Namaste
Kat
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10.07.08
Posted in Journal at 6:47 pm by kat
Last week I was running some errands around town. It was a Saturday - it was beautiful - my top was down (on the car!) and everything was right with the world. Well, as right as it can be seeing as I was heading to chemo. I pulled up to a stop light where the light was green (so is that a go light?) and no one was going. I tapped my horn and the tow people in front of me, most likely txting or some stupid thing, woke up and went. But the light changed and I had to stop. A gentleman came over to my car - one of the “vendor-types” and had some sort of church insignia on it. He said, “I told those people to delay you so I could spend some time with this beautiful lady! Hello beautiful!” Yeah, well, a lame greeting, but what the heck. He proceeded to try to get me to give him money for his “church” or children of the church or something like that. I said,
“well first of all I am Buddhist and secondly, please explain to me why good people die? Why are some of the most beautiful people taken from us and those who are evil, in so many cases, allowed to live? That is not “God’s Will” - I just don’t believe it. Tell me why my best friend, someone I love dearly is being taken from me? Why can’t I take her place if it is God’s Will - why am I still being allowed to live and she is not? I am no better..”
This went on for a minute or two and he tried to tell me it was God’s Will and there are just things we don’t know and that there are both good and evil Gods - now that one made me go “huh?!” Luckily the light changed and I said, “Peace,” and drove off.
I recently saw Julie again - a very special and wonderful person. She is fighting lymphoma. She is not winning. if you don’t know who she is, read my other blog entries. Suffice it to say, she is such a remarkable woman. Some of you met her at the first couple of House Concerts I did. She may not make it much longer.
I sat with her again and we laughed, but no soda from my nose this time. She is as beautiful as she was when I first met her - in my eyes - even with all the tubes and matted hair and dark circles. She is stunning! We watched Sarah Palin on SNL - well Tina Fey really, but d*mn she is good! We laughed so hard we both hurt. We talked about all the times we had spent together and the things we have done and what would we do when she got out of the hospital. For three hours we had a wonderful time. And then sadly, it was time for me to go. I said my goodbyes and kissed her and said I would see her again soon. I was heading over to spend time with her family.
Her family is my 2nd mother and father and sister. If she had a brother, our families would match! We talked about the seriousness of all this and how much she loves when I visit - I wish I could stay longer. I hung out with her family for a couple of hours and then headed back to the airport. The whole time I wondered, “Why is it her and not me?”
I sit and watch this world go by. I deal with my own illness and wish I could take her’s away from her. I wish I could take the pain and all that has attacked her. Sadly, I can’t, but I pray about it often. Maybe that is a bit hypocritical in a way - praying to switch places. I mean who am I praying to?
We laughed a lot this time - about politics. I still find it fascinating that the republicans wined about how Hilary was complaining she was being picked on. They said, “If she can’t take it why by here,” and so many other things. Now that this loser of an excuse for a woman, Sarah Palin is up, well, you just better leave her alone you mean biased liberal media people. You are just mean! Meanies… Whatever. I am still in awe that even 41% of the American public is still for McCain - I mean please - give me one - just one good reason why?
Julie already sent in her absentee ballot. I am so proud of her. Nothing is keeping her from being a part of this and honestly, being in Illinois or California, both pretty good bets on being DEM - well, she wanted to make sure. And living in California now, she wanted to make sure to vote against the stupid people trying to change the constitution with regards to same-sex marriage! She is my hero!
Anyway, I would like to officially invite any Republican - anywhere - and this is from Julie as well - step up and explain the hypocrisy that you stand for? I mean, could you imagine, and honestly I hate to say it, but it is still true in this society today, but I wish it were not. But imagine this - what if - just what if, instead of a rich, white republican woman (who still refuses to release ALL of her tax records) but instead of Palin having 5 children, one being an unwed pregnant teen, what if it were reversed? Do you think the GOP would be all over it? No doubt in my mind!! Just like Bill O when he slammed Jamie Lynn Spears and her parents for having no control over her daughter and then turning around and saying there was no problem with Sarah’s daughter…
Each and every day, I am amazed by the double standards, the hypocrisy and so much more garbage that the GOP stands for and flings! And PLEASE would someone explain “log cabin republicans” to me? PLEASE?!?!?!
I guess I should close this rambling mess, but I just had to get some of this out. The hypocrisy of the world is something I do not think I will ever truly understand - even as I too am guilty. I don’t want to lose someone so dear to me - not now - not ever. Why can’t I offer up a trade?
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09.09.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
I just got back from San Francisco and LA late last night. I got to see my parents - my father turned 83, and I got to see my best friend Julie in LA.
My father and everyone were wonderfully surprised - no one knew I was coming. I walked up to the table carrying a bottle of champagne, a champagne bucket and glasses and had on an apron from the restaurant. I had spoken to them about this and arrived early. It was a wonderful surprise.
At the same time, I saw my father and for some reason, I thought back to 20 years ago when he was so vibrant and strong. Now, I watch as my parents - my best friends - get older. For now, I will enjoy the memories and photos of that day and all of us, my father included, sipping champagne and laughing at the silliness of my sister and I. Oh, and it was funny - even though it was my father’s bday, my sister and I both brought presents to each other - both having something to do with cats. I guess we are truly sisters. 
I flew to LA for my cancer treatments and at the same time to see Julie, whom I love dearly. She has a terminal form of lymphoma and has been in the hospital for a few weeks. She is in and out usually, but these past few weeks she is not doing well. We laughed so hard, well, I had soda coming out my nose. (no smart remarks now!) We both make each other laugh. We smile. We just enjoy each others’ company. She is an angel.
I went to my treatments after, then went back to visit with her family. Hopefully Julie will be home again soon, according to doctors, in a few more days. Until then - I know I will send all my energy to her.
The cost of this thing we call life - I wonder if people realize what life is all about? As I watch this election progress, I listen to lies and more coming from the GOP. They have nothing to help those who need medical assistance.. As far as they are concerned if you can’t afford insurance, tough. The hospitals/doctors/insurance companies need to stay rich and given all the tax breaks they have because they support the GOP.
I pay almost $1200 a month that is not covered by insurance, and yet it is all worth it - because I continue to live. Julie’s family pays for extra bills that are not covered and since she is no longer working, she uses COBRA which is not the best coverage. She will be moved to her parents insurance soon - and I hope they can keep it going. I wrote them a check for $1000 just to do what I could. They are not poor, but sometimes, well, a little help is all it takes. They tried to give it back. Her mother lost. She knows me and knows I do this each month. She knows she will lose every month, but the longer Julie is around, the longer there is an angel among us.
If McCain and Palin get into office, I know it will become harder for so many to take care of themselves and yet the Insurance Companies will continue to get tax breaks as will the drug companies and more. People like Julie’s family will continue to spend their life savings to keep their daughter alive. Yes, it is worth any cost, but it should not have to be that way. This country was built on the middle class - not the elite and that is what the GOP is about - helping the elite get richer. Everytime I hear FOX noise or some other biased media say that Obama is “elitest” I cringe and want to scream. I hate them - honestly - people that are behind FOX noise and other biased conservative media will lie about anything to stay in power and sadly, a large portion of the population believes everything they hear on TV and Radio. They believe people like O’Reilly and Limbaugh and Coulture - all of whom are bold faced liars.
I will see Julie again in another month. I will write another check for her family. I will probably squirt soda from my nose again as we laugh about all we see around us (we talk a lot about lesbian drama). I will hope and pray that all the voices yelling for change will realize that the true cost of putting McCain in office will be the loss of even more wonderful people who simply can’t afford their medical bills. And don’t even get me started on Palin and her lies and hypocrisy. Her church is currently “Praying against Gay” with Focus on the Family - saying that we can cure you. Where is the media when they should be yelling (and of course reporting) about this, the same way the put Rev Wright in the spotlight when it was the Dems. Oh wait, they have to bury that story so their candidate gets into office. I forgot.
Peace
a very tired Kat…
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09.03.08
Posted in Journal at 8:30 am by kat
I have always wondered about life. Perhaps that is why I am a tarot reader and spiritual intuitive - I want to understand it. Last night I was doing a reading for someone - and I will admit I know nothing of her. Yes, she is a server at the restaurant I run sound at, but I really know nothing about her. During the reading a name just popped into my head. I heard it plain as day. I spoke it to her and at first she did not realize it was the man she is interested in - his name is William or Will, but most call him Bill - I said “Who is Bill?”
The point is not about her or the reading, but WHY does this happen to me? Why did I hear this one and only name? And in a strange way too. If you remember the first Die Hard movie - there is a scene where “John McClain” is meeting the “bad guy” for the first time, and they are standing there and the bad guy turns off his accent when McClain asks, “So, what is your name.” You hear the man say “Bill”, then the camera cuts to the wall and there is a list of names of people who work there, and a name is clear as the bad guy says “Bill Clay” and you are looking at the name “William Clay.” Last night, when I heard the name, I heard it the same way - it was “Bill - Bill” and it repeated like the movie. To me it brought an image of the movie and when I told her the name, and she said “his name is really William” I realized how I was seeing this.
I don’t understand where this all comes from. I don’t know her. I don’t even know myself sometimes. But it happens. And for most of my life, although it was only 15 years ago that I really began to understand it and the fact that I was not crazy and hearing things. But life - all that it is - all that it brings to us - it fascinates me and confuses me all at the same time.
Yesterday I found out someone very dear to me, someone I dated and would have considered being with - has taken a turn for the worse in her illness. I will see her in a few days and I don’t know what to expect. I love her. I admit it. I knew there was something there when I met her, and she did as well, and yet it was not about being in a relationship - it was a love of two people who connected on a different level - soul mates perhaps, but not to be married or as partners. In all of this, I felt her, in my soul last night, and then, in my voice mail - a message from her sister saying she had taken a bad turn. I knew it, but I did not want to accept it.
At the time this news came across I already had plans to see her this weekend. We have all known of her condition for close to a year now and it is not good and in fact, we thought we had come to grips with it as being terminal, but even when you accept it, you don’t really. My father will celebrate his 83rd birthday this weekend. I know sometime my parents will pass - and yet I joke that I have a contract with them that they are never allowed to die. I made them sign it when I was younger. And hey, it is a signed contract!
Julie and I are connected in ways I can’t explain. I speak little of her to most people, which is unusual for me, but in this way I know it is different. Oh sure, if you are one of my close friends, you know who she is, so I am not hiding anything, but I am different when it comes to her. I can’t explain it.
Last night, as I sat at Uncommon Ground waiting for the Open Mic that I run to start, I got very sad. I did not know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave, but my friends were all there. It was a small crowd - only about 9 performers, but very special performers. I finally walked up to the stage and made my usual announcements and found myself speaking of my friend and saying “and honestly, I just don’t give a shit right now, so lets just have fun!” Everyone smiled - people came up to me, and suddenly the night changed. All the performers started having fun and singing silly songs and also emotional songs. They were determined to make me smile. They did - over and over again. I was even asked to join several performers on percussion and all the songs were very special.I was feeling Julie within me as I was sending all this energy to her. I was smiling and crying at the same time. It was something, even now I am having a hard time putting into words.
Crystal Bowersox is an incredible performer and recently wrote a song that she says I inspired - in fact, it is on my profile. “Love you before I leave” is the title. We played it together. It is not a song that lends itself to cajon, but I played anyway. It was sent to Julie - with all my heart and soul! Another wonderful friend, Justic Birnholz, brought all the performers on stage to do one of my favorite songs in only the way he can - “Rainbow Connection”, by Kermit the Frog. And backed by all these wonderful performers. Again, I wanted to cry. I joined Matt Ryd with a wonderful song - and I know it is not the title, but I call it “The Rabbit Hole” song. (sorry matt for not knowing the correct title). That was the first song I every played with Matt. I played it again and it was so much fun - more energy being sent to Julie. David Kav - was so silly, but I asked him to play “The Angel Song” that is a pure instrumental (I wish he would do more) and it brought tears to my eyes again. And finally Jeff Churchwell, who is another wonderful performer, invited me up for 2 songs and I have always wanted to play with him and last night I got to - even if I screwed up the ending on one.
The entire night was surreal. I was trying to feel Julie all night - feel her energy and all that she is as a person and a soul - a beautiful soul that has touched so many. I was 2000 miles away from her and yet I knew she could feel all we were doing. I laughed, I cried and I went home exhausted. Not from lack of sleep but simply from life itself. I was drained. I was filled with emotions I could not explain. I called Julie’s sister. We cried together. We laughed when I told her of “Kermit” and so much more.
I will see Julie in a few days. I will recount this entire evening to her. We will laugh and I will share with her my love and how much I care for her. But she already knows it. But I will tell her again - and again - as we laugh and just make fools of ourselves.
I may never understand the “fairness” of life. No one ever will, but I know, when it is time for me to leave this world, I will do it with a bang! I know that someday, Julie will transition. But in all that I am, all that I wish I could be, I will continue to share each and every moment of my life telling her how special she is, and how she has changed so many lives.
Thank you to all the people who surround me with love and friendship. I struggle with things sometimes - my own health issues that I fight. Ironically, that is one of the reasons Julie and I chose not to move forward in a relationship. Neither of us thought it fair to place the burden on each other. Funny how life is like that. But the people that surround me - I am truly blessed. Last night, had I been alone, who knows where I might have found myself - what emotional state. Instead, I was surrounded by music, laughter and friendship that made life worth living. Thank you all and please know that Julie felt it all and will experience it again when I share it with her this weekend.
With love to all of you..
Kat
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