01.23.10
Posted in Journal at 9:01 am by kat
In October of 2005 I moved to Chicago. By my side was a lovely singer/songwriter named Kristen Hope Justice - and yes, that is her real name - have to love it. She is an amazing performer and we looked to start our lives here together. She, in music and myself, perhaps helping her or even playing a little percussion with her. Sadly, as the tension of the move - the stresses, and perhaps the age difference of 20 years between us, came to be too much. She left only 6 months after moving here and returned home to Atlanta. As we all go through difficult times during any breakup, I was no different. The nights of crying alone, the doubts, the questions of what I could have done to make it better. So many things went through my mind and my life at that time..
I began to wake up only a few months later. I knew I wanted to be involved in music - somehow. I never really had been before. Oh sure, I had been a music major in college, but my minor - Computer Science - is how I make my living. I never thought I was good enough to do anything in music.
One night I happened to be hanging out at a local “music venue” - it was a performance of a friend I had met. During that time, the engineer and host talked about needing another host/engineer for their open mic. I wrote down his email. I emailed him later that night. A few weeks went by and he emailed me back saying they already hired someone. I was kind of “smitten” by this venue, but it apparently was not to be. Oh well…
A month later I received an email saying the other person had not worked out and was I still interested - it was Dec of 2006. I jumped at the chance - a date with “her” - so to speak. I went in for “orientation” and a couple of weeks later, ran my first show. I fell in love with it. In one night I met more musicians than I had all year. A new passion had been awoken within me. At that moment I said to myself - “To hell with my ex - I will show her - I will become more involved in music than she could have even dreamed of!!! I will make her wish she had never left - that she never hurt me the way she did!”
Ok, so perhaps the motivation was, um, misguided, but the goals were real. I wanted to get more than just a taste of this amazing music scene in Chicago. I set out on my journey. I got involved - I listened - I did more - I listened more - I grew. All thanks to some of the most amazing artists I have every known. I even tried out for a local duo - and it soon became a trio - playing out with them and just enjoying making music along side everyone else.
Four+ years later, I just had another break up. My 2nd home has dumped me. Just like before - I must have done something wrong to deserve it. It must be my fault, but sadly, there seems to be nothing I can do to bring “her” back…
Parallels are funny in life. You hear the cliche’ of “history always repeating itself” and here I am again. Suffering from a broken heart. And yet, as I sit back and realize it is another chance for me to grow - for me to become even more involved in the music scene. I realize too that I am going to make “her” wish she had never dumped me - they will wonder “why did we let her go.. we must have been idiots.”
The music world of Chicago is my Second Home - right along side my own LGBT community. 2010 has only just begun. This past week has reminded me - I can do more, be more, make more of a difference! Nothing is going to keep that from happening. *THIS* is my year to truly make a difference - one I have been talking about all along.
My life’s journey has been about touching people’s lives - making a difference - a positive difference. And well, my “EX” has reminded me how much it hurts to be dumped - but it also reminded me that all it takes is a little motivation to get me started.
Thank you to my “ex’s” - (both of them) - for you have taught me valuable lessons. Your journeys will continue, both Kristen and that “other place” - but mine - mine is only just beginning - and I can tell you this - Karma is truly on my side, for I do not hurt and discard the ones that are important in my life… I will cash in my Karma chips - and the winners will be the communities I am a part of!!
Peace, love and light,
Kat
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01.16.10
Posted in Journal at 10:39 pm by kat
This is an open letter to Brian S. Brown - Executive Director of National Organization for Marriage (NOW)
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Brown,
I just got done reading the current update on Prop 8 from NOM. I am still amazed at the level of mis-information you will go. I know this email will fall on deaf ears and perhaps in some way you will post it as a threat against you as you have claimed others have. But really, if people have had to quit a job because it came out they supported Prop 8, maybe that says something - maybe hiding in the shadows, in the dark, which is what you want to do, is wrong.
Perhaps standing up and speaking about what you believe, in a public forum, open to everyone, is something that makes you and your kind afraid? I would have no problem stepping out and saying, “I am lesbian, why do you all hate me so much?” Please don’t babble on about hating the sin and loving the sinner - you know that is not the case. You use it to deflect. Actions speak louder than words.
If you truly want marriage to be about procreation and loving moms and dads, then please be fair and deny all infertile couples the legal right to marry. Oh and I guess you need to abolish my parents marriage of 65 years since they can no longer pro-create.
If you want to “Protect Marriage” - although I still don’t understand what you are protecting it from - remember, we can’t marry, and we are not the ones having children out of wedlock - it is straight people. We are not the ones divorcing since we can’t marry - at perhaps the highest rate in history - that is you guys. I could go on, but why bother…
Why not come out from the shadows - the same shadows that the KKK hides in - why not be proud of who you are, step out in to the light and let us see the faces of those would would seek to take our rights away from us? We are not out to hurt anyone, but we do have the right to face those who call us an abomination - at least in this judicial system - so why not share your lists? Why? Because you are not afraid of retribution as you claim. You are simply afraid of the light - the same as the KKK and the Nazis and all others who choose to repress and deny the rights to those who are born different than the majority.
Why not debate me - a simple person - who has no real ties other than supporting the fight for our rights. I am not a public figure - I am not someone who hides from the light. Why not stand up and discuss common sense instead of legal trickery? Why not stop the lies and misinformation that you spread? Care to debate me? I doubt it, because you are all afraid - perhaps of your own shadows - and if you stay in the darkness with the other hateful people of the world, then, I guess, you truly do have nothing to be afraid of..
My heart goes out to you for one simple reason - you are a sad individual who has no power unless you are invoking your beliefs on others. That is the only way people like yourselves have any power at all - by trying to control what others think and well, I am simply sad for you.
Peace, love and light
Kat
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11.04.09
Posted in Journal at 1:16 pm by kat
Does anyone remember the movie, “12 Angry Men”? I love Law dramas – I thought “Runaway Jury” was fabulous with one of my fave actors – Gene Hackman and if you remember “Class Action” it was another great movie…
Anyway, many of you may not agree with me – I know I am pretty opinionated and sometimes just off the hook about things, but, we – the gay community – are going about this whole gay marriage thing all wrong.
We are spending $$ MILLIONS on fighting in local, state and federal arenas to get the governments to recognize us as legitimate relationships. So why do we keep losing? One simple fact – in the eyes of the “right” or the “moral majority” or what ever you call them, we are not “equal” – we are an abomination as they like to remind us. They tell us we can be cured of our perversions and try to create “ex gays”. In fact a dear from of mine was seeing someone recently and well, after they broke up, the other person (not my friend) replied with a silly email that contained:
I have decided to give up the Gay lifestyle and give my life back to God..
Oh give me a break here. I mean this is so off the charts that we all know and laugh about it. I mean she has decided to “give up” her lifestyle? To me this makes me wonder, when did she “DECIDE” to be gay? *sigh*
So what is my point?
We all know it is not a choice. There is a reason 10% of the all the species of the world are gay. It exists in nature – in some way – we were made this way. So my point is simple – let’s stop spending the millions on FIGHTING the right and instead focus on finding the “gay gene” (for lack of a better word).
There is something out there in nature that makes us this way – they have studied the brains and characteristics of all sorts of animals and humans and find distinct differences in how gay and straight members of a species are indeed different. If we spent the millions of $$’s on figuring it out, then we could simply say, “Sorry folks, we were born this way” and be done with it.
Now imagine, ANY of these silly laws they put in to deny us marriage and more would be over turned by the justice system for one simple reason – they could not defend it. I mean if they still tried to deny interracial marriage it would NEVER stand up in court. If they tried to put something on a ballet some where denying us the right to marry, the Constitution would HAVE to be upheld to give us the rights – how could they go and say “well, just because a black person can marry a white person and well they are born that way, oh yeah wait, so are you, well we don’t care, we don’t like you…” They could not.
Let’s get out there are PROVE that we are who we are because we are BORN and not “made” by some environmental issues. We KNOW it but we must prove it. We must show the bigots that they indeed are bigots and nothing more. They are not going to “cure” us, or deny us rights that every other group or minority that is “born” is granted…
In all aspects of these challenges – they use the same arguments – that it is a “lifestyle”. They tell us we made a choice to be who we are. I don’t know about you but I am SICK AND TIRED of being told I made a choice.
I did not choose this!!!!
I knew it from when I could form words. I knew something was different. I was raised in a straight household by straight “traditional” parents – and yet I know I was born into who I was. Even my mother, to this day, a devout Catholic all her life, still tells me “of course I know you were born this way, I just wonder what it was inside me that might have contributed to it…”
I had a friend say to me once, and she was black, “why isn’t there something that identifies you, I mean it is obvious I am black…” I wish there was. I wish I was “rainbow” colored or had a pinkie longer on one hand or SOMETHING! It has to be there.
Isn’t it time we stood up for the fight we can win – the fact that we are simply who we are. I for one would donate a lot of money to scientific studies to prove it. And the fact is, I know there is proof – somewhere – because each and every one of us has something in us that makes us this way – it was not a choice – we know it – now let’s show them THEIR true colors – the bigotry that is inherent in those who continue to tell us “you can be cured” – you can be an “ex gay”…
And to those who think they “won” in Maine - the day will come when YOUR true colors will show through… And I have to tell you - they really are pretty ugly, no matter how you look at it.
Peace
Kat
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09.19.09
Posted in Journal at 6:55 am by kat
I am a vegetarian and for the most part, avoid things that are leather. I may own over 100 (150?) pairs of shoes, but the majority are fake leather. Sometimes, however, you have to thank the universe for leather, rather than cloth seats.
Yesterday I worked at Uncommon Ground from about 1pm until 1am. I was working the shows for the World Music Festival and it was amazing. I even got to watch a world class drummer play my kit - kind of fun and made me want to take lessons again. But I digress.
So I had worked about 18 hours the day before for some “day job deadlines” and had gotten 2.5 hours of sleep. But if you know me, you know I function fine on no sleep - just wish I understood why, given all the other problems I have with my body. I have written about having “ITP” before and in fact this is where you can learn more about it: http://pdsa.org/
Not many people know about it or understand it well. It is a quiet “affliction” that does not get a lot of press, doesn’t have a “ribbon” (we do have a color-band though - blood red of course) Anyway, I thought I would write about this again, perhaps to help bring more attention to it and maybe help others who have it or any other platelet disorder.
So on my way home last night, which is a short 6 blocks, I had the top down, all my drums in the car, was exhausted, and knew it, but it had been an amazing day. Then it happened. It happens to people with ITP and can happen with little warning. I won’t go into all the details, as it is a little gross and messy, but suffice it to say I am glad I have treated leather seats that repel water (and blood)…
I thought I might be bleeding, and I was right, and the simple way to put is is that I “bled out” a bit and just put two and two together and think about the fact that there are few places for it to come “out” and add that to a leather seat, and well you get the idea.
Well, the firestation just happens to be on the way from UG to my home, and I was a block from it when this occurred. I knew I would not want to drive much more. I pulled in the parking lot and asked them to take me to the hospital. Thanks guys - you were wonderful!
So I spent the night in the hospital receiving IV-IG and a platelet infusion. IV-IG is Intravenous Immunoglobulin and I usually do that about once a month.. I missed last month which is most likely why I bled out in the first place. I also received some platelets and just want to thank anyone and everyone who has ever donated platelets. You help keep me and others alive.
Would I like a new body? Yep. Honestly, it is why I am single, it is not something that you just want to share with someone else. Oh sure there are those who get sick when they are with someone and that person makes a world of difference to help the other, but when you already know you are sick, well, it is not something you want another person to have to share.
So I am home now. Resting and taking the night off. I have band rehearsal tomorrow and then another part of the World Music Fest to go run, then back to Monday, the day job and Open Mic and more. Music is a passion of mine as is my photography. If I did not have it, I know I would not be here.
You know, when it all comes down to it, I hate my illness not because it attacks me, but because it makes me disappoint people and let them down for commitments I have made. (Sorry LCCP and HB)
But I guess, in all of this, I just have to be happy for my treated leather seats, since when I did pick up my car, well, I did not have to clean anything. Oh, the 1 out of 2 pairs of jeans I own? Yeah, those are ruined. Hmm, can I live with just 1 pair of jeans? Yeah, I mean I don’t really wear them that much and hate them. But that is another topic for another day..
So I just want to close by thanking those of you full of health, vigor and life,and remind others, that when you get a chance, donate blood, platelets, plasma, anything - you just don’t understand how many lives you help, and in fact, it could be someone you just talked to just a few hours ago…
Peace, love and light
Kat
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09.11.09
Posted in Journal at 8:11 am by kat
So most people know I am a former government employee. I worked in “law enforcement” for lack of a better term. On Sept 11, 2001 I was in a government facility - and watched, as did we all, the attacks on our country. I remember every single moment of that day, from the same fear and anger for having been attacked, to the fear and sadness of realizing one of my dear friends, who worked at the Pentagon, was missing. She died that day - her body was not found, but her soul lives on inside of me and so many others she touched in her lifetime.
I will never forget how I just sat in a room - with so many others - and just stared at the TV. Part of me wonders - in this age of “too much information” of how things might have been different WITHOUT the news media… In a way, I wonder if it might have been similar to “War of the Worlds” and the radio broadcast that brought fear and terror into so many lives because people thought it was real. Imagine if only snippets of what was going on was available on the radio - the increased fear and mass panic that would have filled this country and beyond - perhaps much worse than it was. But I digress…
As I sat in a room, watching military people move about, doing their jobs, buildings being locked down, barricades being moved into place, assault weapons at the ready and more - I remember crying. Partly because I had not heard from my friend and also because of the loss of life I was witnessing.
As I sat, tears in my eyes, and sobbing quietly, I will never forget what happened next.
A military police “soldier” carrying a very large weapon and decked in full body armor walked by me and saw me crying. He bent down and put his hands on my shoulder and asked if I was OK and what could he do for me.. I was startled for a moment, as his weapon was a mere inch or two from my face - and said to him, “Please, you have so much I am sure you should be doing - the least of which taking care of me - crying like an idiot.”
He looked at me, wiped the tear from one of my checks and said, “This is why I am here - this is why we are all here - to take care of each and everyone one of us, so what can I do?” We talked for a few minutes and I told him that I could not reach my friend in DC on her cell, but he told me not to worry, that most likely all cells were swamped - don’t think the worse…
He stayed with me for another 5 minutes and we talked. By the end of it, I had composed myself, at least enough to ask if there was anything I should be doing.
His name is Jeremy and he was then, and is still now an, Air Force Military Police Officer. We stay in touch to this day. He saved me from letting fear over take me and reminded me, that as a human race - not just as Americans - there are much more important things than just “doing your job.” Even as he rushed to defend the facility I was at, against possible threats, he stopped and shared the “humanity” that is what makes us all the same.
The cowards that attacked us that day did not attack just Americans, they attacked “humanity” and tried to put fear in everyone.
I spoke to my mother yesterday about all the anger and ” mean spiritedness” going around this country and this world right now, and realized I needed to pick up the phone and call my friend. I did. We only talked for 10 minutes, but it did remind me of one thing - we are all of one race - the human race, and as silly and cliche as it sounds, we all bleed the same. Black, white, brown, yellow — asian, american, hispanic, middle-eastern, indian, or muslim, christian, mormon, it simply does not matter the color of our skin or the religion we believe or not, but what matters is saying hello to a stranger, or giving the homeless person an extra $1 (or 2 or 3) or helping a friend when they need you, or just being yourself and letting others bask in the glow of “you” and your energy!
This day brings back sadness to many and anger to some - but perhaps what this day should remind us the most is that truly, “love” is the weapon we should all wield - because it truly does conquer all…
Peace, love and light
Kat
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09.04.09
Posted in Journal at 11:42 pm by kat
As I type this, I marvel, in a small way, at technology, that I work with every day - since I am sitting in my car, under a full moon, by the glow of my laptop - using my silly little Sprint mobile broadband to connect. We may not be in a world of flying cars - yet - but things like this, well, I know even my parents don’t understand much of it for they grew up in a different time…
I was thinking about that today, as I drove all over much of Illinois, about my parents, and the lives they have led. They have been married just over 60 years and grew up in a time I can’t even begin to understand. They lived through the great depression, and a world war that almost destroyed us. And yet I remember the day my father and mother and I all watched as we landed on the moon. We lived in Hawaii then, and I will never forget riding along side the quarantine vehicle on my bike, when the astronauts returned..
My mother once shared with me a small part of her childhood - when words did not hurt or kill the way they do now. I mean today, if you are hanging out with friends and are joking around, you might call them an idiot, moron, jerk and so many other things - all in jest, of a friend - but trying to get your point across. Well, my mother once told me of how the “n” word was the same way. She and her friends, - black, white, brown and all other colors, would play, and just in jest, call each other names like that, or “white trash” and other things.. Sure, some people may not think “white trash” is neither as bad as the “n” word, but you did not grow up in the 1930s playing in the playground wondering how you would get through the next day. (think about what it was like being a child in the great depression?)
I can’t even begin to understand what my parents went through. Depression, war after war, bigotry, riots, and racism that makes today look like a cocktail party.. I even remember, long before I came out to my family, how my father used to make “gay” jokes, limp wristed and all, not knowing who his child would turn out to be.
I was in the Bay Area when Harvey Milk was killed - I was just 17 and really had not come to grips with anything yet and still did not understand who he was. Heck, at 16, 17 and 18, at least back then, all you wanted to do was go out, party and have fun - oh yeah, same as today. But seriously, I just did not understand it all.
I guess I never thought I would turn into my mother - saying things like “when I was younger…” and other such silliness, and yet, I have. I look back, thinking about the “zack morris” cell phones that I used when I was working in the fledgling computer industry, or the Arpanet - long before the Internet - and computer screens that were round - I remember it all.. I miss it, and yet it reminds me of the time I was riding down the street in Walnut Creek - just outside of San Francisco - cruising like we used to do, with one of my best friends who was black sitting next to me - and some jackass in the car next to us made some racist remark and I yelled back. My friend grabbed me and said, “Are you trying to get us killed!?”
I think back now and those same times of the racist people then and those who judge the gay community now. There is no difference. They are ignorant and foolish. And yet at the same time, I think of how my mother was raised and they did not even understand what all that was - since her friend were black or white or brown - they didn’t care, and the words they used, just like so many words used by children, t hey really did not even understand them. They were not words of hatred or anger, but of silliness that children speak of to each other. Words never spoken in anger or hatred, but in games that most of the time were forgotten a few hours later.
I was yelled at today - a word that compares to the “N” word - but they just added “lesbian” in front of the “C” word. It was supposed to make me angry or hurt me in some way. And on the same day I received an email from NOM about the fact that they have placed “marriage” on the ballet in Vermont. (or Maine - I deleted it now…) All I could think of was the hatred that filled the hearts and souls of these people. The ones who called me names and the ones who say I have no right to marry (or live in some cases). I wonder if they understand truly, the hatred and bigotry they attempt to spread? And yet, just as my mother and father, I sit here and think, “they have nothing but words - words that they believe hurt - not true weapons - unless I give them power over me, and I don’t.”
The words they spew - the hatred, the judgment, and beyond, I give no power to. I guess sometimes I just think they don’t understand. They are not better than me - or worse. They are not right or wrong, they are simply mistaken and confused. Someday they will realize that. And at the same time they might even realize that judging me for simply being me - is wrong.
I don’t hate them. I can’t - my parents raised me not to hate. Sure, I pity them. I pity them for not even trying to understand someone different from themselves. But at the same time, I am tired. I am tired of being judged and being called names. I am tired of people wanting to “cure” me. I am tired of reading about another member of the LGBT community being found dead some place in this country. I am tired of the ignorance and those who still cling to the “gay panic defense” as their excuse - that they were afraid they might be hit on by the gay person they murdered.
Someday - perhaps even in my lifetime, people will stop hating and judging others. Maybe we can go back to my parents childhood when words were just words and did not evoke anger, hatred, wars and worse.
I will close this, as I continue to sit under this beautiful moon, the top down and I count my blessings, but at the same time, I am crying - for all the anger, hatred, bigotry and violence in this world.. Maybe I have turned into my mother who says to me, “It is not my fight anymore, I just don’t have it left in me - it has to be yours..” Maybe, it is time for others to stand up, because honestly, I have other things I need to fight, the least of which is my health…
peace, love and light
Namaste
Kat
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08.18.09
Posted in Journal at 9:47 am by kat
Over the past couple of years I have been fighting a horrible thing that we call cancer. Most of you who know me, know a bit about it. I have not been very open. Not many people are about this.
Recently I got good news - that my battle has taken a turn for the better. It seems a lot of “experimental” (another word for “insurance company does not have to pay” *sigh*) and alternative health care has made a difference. Am I cured? No. But the difference is going to be seen more and more in my outlook on life.
map
In the coming weeks and months I am going to start writing a bit more about what I have been through and continue to deal with. I will look back at my written journal and may even bring some of those out. The despair and depression I hid from you all. (trust me, it was and is sometimes still there…)
Why am I doing this? Maybe - just maybe, it will help someone else.
I am not perfect - I am not a role model - I am not someone to look up to or any other cliche’ you can think of. I am me. I get up, go to work and just do the things I love to do. I do know that for just over 2 years it has been just a little harder. Now, perhaps in my own little way, I might be able to help someone else going through something similar.
One little excerpt from my journal last year, back when Tony Snow, George W’s Press Secretary was diagnosed with colon cancer and then later passed away… This is from the night he passed:
“Tony passed away yesterday. God, it seems like yesterday I remember him stepping up and saying he had colon cancer. He went on a few talk shows, but for the most part he stayed with his family. I do remember some of the best ‘Daily Shows’ were when Tony was on. He may have worked for Bush, but he was a genuine person and I always loved how Jon and he got along. And yet now he is gone. I even remember almost meeting him the first time after 9/11. Everyone was so rushed though, and I heard someone say, ‘yeah, there is Tony,’ and that was about it as he walked out another door. I would not have said anything, but what if I had known then that he would have been diagnosed, would I have said something? It is so hard talking to people and yet that is what he did - he talked to everyone. 
I hate pity and I know that is what would happen…
Why am I still here? I don’t get it. I ask myself almost every day. He had a family, and kids and I am pretty much on my own - there is no reason for it. I got drunk after I heard about it. Yeah, I know, not the smartest thing, but sometimes I can’t deal with this anymore. It seems like every day I look at the news I read or hear about someone else being diagnose. And each time is the same thing - what the hell am I doing here. The answer is simple - I am afraid - I simply can not fathom what it would do to my family. So many times I wanted to give up - as they keep telling me crap and I am sick to death of the doctors - ha ha - that is funny.”
I doubt this really helps anyone, but you never know and for now, I guess it is time to put some of the things I have been dealing with out there - especially since things are looking just a bit brighter.
peace, love and light
Kat
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08.13.09
Posted in Journal at 10:43 pm by kat
Three weeks ago tonight I was getting ready for chemo the next day. It would be a busy day as I also had a photo shoot for the Point Foundation that evening. It is what I do - every couple of weeks. But I also knew I would be seeing a wonderful woman - someone I had only met 6 months before. And that made things just a little better.
Six months ago Emily walked into our chemo class and introduced herself. She said she had heard I did readings for the nurses and other patients and was wondering if I might do a reading for her. She was such a beautiful woman - with striking eyes and a beautiful smile that lit up a room the minute she entered. She had stage 4 ovarian Cancer. You wouldn’t have known it.
We talked and of course I agreed to do her reading. It seems there was a guy she was interested in. The funny thing was, I got a name during the reading and when I said it, she smiled and said, “That is my ex..” I told her it was not over and he would be coming back. She was confused and said he had broken up with her and she was still not over him. Apparently he let his fear of her illness get to him. I told her that I understood for it was only a year before I broke up with Julie - or perhaps she broke up with me - I still don’t know - because we were both sick. Fear does things to you..
We talked for 3 hours - and got to know more of each other. She told me that she never allowed her friends or family to come with her to the clinic. I agreed. We both hide things from our friends and family - but we have our reasons. There is just something about how people treat you after they see you hooked up to tubes and machines and such. Gawd forbid if you have a port in your chest - then it is even worse. It is funny though how we both had so much in common, and had known each other for only a few hours. I had not laughed that hard since being with Julie close to a year ago. We even agreed to meet for brunch at Magnolia Cafe the first chance we got..
Emily called a few days later to set up the brunch date and to tell me her ex called, and without going into details, he had pulled out all the stops during his apology. They were going out Saturday and we would have brunch the next day to discuss it all.. They did get back together.
We spent the next few months hanging out when we could - she lived in the burbs and my schedule, well you know. But we always saw each other every two weeks - sitting in a clinic with tubes stuck in us.
I will go to chemo by myself in the morning. Emily passed away in her sleep yesterday.
I had some good news that brought happiness to my life these past few days. I shared it with many of my friends, and yet now, I just don’t care anymore. The most beautiful souls in the world continue to leave us. Life is not fair - in any way - and it may sound like a stupid cliche’, but it is the truth.
I will miss you Em…
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07.25.09
Posted in Journal at 9:09 pm by kat
Many of my friends know that one of my favorite sayings is, “Life is what it is…” I don’t know why. It is really pretty simple and implies not much of anything. It is not prophetic or life altering - well, maybe it is to me.
I have been dealing with “C” for sometime now, and for those who do not know, I was diagnosed as terminal just about 2 years ago. This is not about the diagnosis, other than to say, well, doctors are not always right and I plan on doing everything I can to prove them wrong. No, instead this note is about my life and the people that surround me.
I am blessed. I am surrounded by amazing family and friends and that circle just keeps growing.
You know, my mother and father, both of whom are still here and celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary earlier this year, they always ask me what I want to be when I grow up - yes still. I don’t know what i want to be, but I do know that my purpose in life, at least in my eyes, is to “make a difference”. If I can bring a smile to someone or help someone out, or opens someones eyes to an injustice.. Or… I mean, I just want to make a difference in this world.
Lately, my illness, which takes ups and downs, has been on a down(er). I struggle with side effects and other issues lately, and yet, every time I turn around, there is another friend or family member offering to help or come to my aide. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but this is a personal thank you to all of you!!!
One thing I do want to share however, is regardless of all this, please (please) don’t think of me differently when you see me. For the longest time I hid my illness. Why? Simple - I hate pity. Only 3 people have been to chemo with me - sadly, one of those three has passed herself.. But one thing about all of that was that those three people treated me very differently after they saw me hooked up to tubes. Recently, when I started sharing a bit more of what I am dealing with on FB - well, when people see me, it seems that there was a bit more “concern” for how I was doing when I would see people in public.
I am not sure that this is coming across in the right way - I am not ungrateful, I am simply saying, “life is what it is,” and I have been dealt this hand - there is no need to think of my any differently than you would otherwise. I am still an obnoxious pain in the rear 
- well, ok, maybe not, or at least I hope not. I am simply saying, I love you all - each and every person who has entered and touched my life these past 3.5 years I have lived in Chicago, and that is what I want you all to think of.
My father has been through 5 cancers - yes 5 and is still alive. One of which was breast cancer, which even has a funny story I will share another time. But yes, 10% of cancers in men is breast cancer - he had a partial mastectomy… But he is tough - he is still here and at 84 years old! My mother has had several heart attacks, but she is still here. My brother had a heart attack at 43, but still here and in fact flat lined for 2 minutes. My family is tough - I am tough - keep that in mind. I am not giving up, and don’t plan on it. Yes, it has gotten a bit tough these past 2 months, but who knows, in another month, it could go back up again, or sideways for that matter.
I am not done making a difference and making my mark on this world. I am not going anywhere. Besides, with all these amazing people in my life, I have a few favors to repay!
SO, what am I trying to say in this silly note? Well, the title says it all. I am blessed. I have people in my life willing to do anything, and I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve that, but thank you. Thank you to my family who has been through through everything. Oh, and a side note - don’t lie to your mother abotu your health - she *knows* what is going on, regardless - more times than once.. (I need to blog about that too..)
Funny.. I started writing this and the migraine was killing me, and I am a bit exhausted from a long wedding today - I am on my way to Devon Uncommon Ground to run a show, but you know what - after typing all this, the migraine is fading and I am looking forward to a wonderful show of Spanish guitars and Flamenco dancing by a fantastic group! (Idilio)..
Thank you ALL for all you share with me - your friendship and love, and just know, I am always here for you too!
Oh and remember, “Life is what it is…” - which simply means, *YOU* are the one in control and don’t let anyone tell you differently..
Peace, love and light
Kat
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07.07.09
Posted in Journal at 8:10 pm by kat
I should be working - there is so much to do here and we are behind and it is only Tuesday.. Ahh…
I need a breather - a moment to just veg, and if you know me, you know I write when I veg (or meditate, but people at work stare at me funny when I am sitting on the floor humming..)
map
Why is this world so bent on war and empire building? Whatever happened to the peace movement? So much of my life I have believed in the Star Trek Utopia of an Earth that has little or no war, no one is wanting for anything and we live, for the most part - in peace. It seems that the second half of my life this world has been in a constant state of war and I just don’t understand. Is this what Capitalism is all about? We build more war machines in order to conquer more? And for what? Oil? I just don’t understand, and in a way, I am glad I don’t.
I was raised in a military family. My father fought in WWII (the end) and Korea and Vietnam and the Cold War. He, just like my mother, are the role models I look to, to be who I am. But my father never liked war - he did it because he wanted to protect us - not attack others - and there is a difference.
What has this to do with anything especially since I am right in the middle of the Open Mic Finals at Uncommon Ground? Well, last night, musicians of every color, gender, race, height, width, you name it - they were there. They all came together in a room for one purpose, to share music. There was more color and diversity in that one single room than many people see in a lifetime. I wonder how many religions were in the room too? And yet as I sit here writing this - I realize it was not until I got in the cab when it was all over that I even thought about it. I know I did not care - but I started wondering about why we have war and then I thought of the people in the room and then the colors and diversity came to mind. I know John Lennon wrote this a long time ago - “Imagine” - and yet it is still something I think of - often. Imagine no religion, no war, no borders! Even something as simple as the astronauts looking down from space and realizing there are no lines - no borders separating the countries and the people - so why can’t we do that for real?
I have traveled a huge part of this world - and met so many people. Cultures, races, religions, you name it - I have most likely met them. I have yet to meet anyone I did not like. Honestly - I guess I am related to Will Rogers. Imagine if everyone in the world had to meet everyone else - like a huge wedding receiving line or something - I doubt anyone would want to kill anyone else. Heck, they would be too busy shaking hands or hugging or kissing to be able to pick up a weapon.
Each night, mostly late in the evening of course - when I go home, I close my eyes, put on some meditation music (which could be anything for me) and I go into my world - my world of peace and utopia. I think of my family and friends and all the people I love. I visualize the world - the animals and all the “beings” I met in the past 24 hours. Each one of them unique and unforgettable - each one special in some way. This is how I am able to fall asleep so deeply in such a short time. This is why 4 hours of sleep is all I need - because I make peace with the universe each and every night.
I need to get back to work - but if there is a chance you might be a world leader and you are reading my simple little blog - how about you give my technique a try. Before you go to sleep tonight - put on some music - because honestly, this world would be a horrible place without music - and close your eyes. Think of everyone that crossed your path today and think of them only in a positive way - regardless of what they might have been doing at the time you met them. Or better yet, think of yourself as floating over the countries of the world - and try - hard - to see the lines - the borders - and when you realize they don’t really exist, let yourself fall asleep - and you will awake, rested and with a new realization of peace in your life.
Give it a try - and let’s all hope it is contagious!
Peace, love and light
Kat
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